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What has two legs and bleeds? – Half a cat
Jim had a magic tractor, it turned into a field What's invisible and smells of rabbits? *************************************************************** What should you get a ghost for Christmas? *************************************************************** What did the chav get for christmas? What do you call a chav in a box? What do you call a chav on fire? What do you call a chav and his mates when theyve been set on fire? *************************************************************** Donald Rumsfeld came into the Oval Office to brief President Bush on the Iraq war.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," Rumsfeld says. "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today."
Well, Bush was just overcome with grief. He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and wailed, three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers, oh my god, 3 Brazilian soldiers.
He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see that he would get no more work done and left the office.
When he calmed down a little, Bush turned to Dick Cheney and said, "Dick, please, please help me out here. Tell me, how many is a brazillion?" *************************************************************** What's red and bad for your teeth? *************************************************************** A man goes to the doctors. *************************************************************** What's green and would kill you if it fell out
of a tree? *************************************************************** A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a
very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind
that you should know five things: ************************************************************ A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working", says
the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my "Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry
about that, it's just we don't get "I'm working on the building site across
the road", explains the duck. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub
and the landlord says to "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the
pub the landlord says, "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?". "At the circus", says the landlord. "The circus?", the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the landlord. "The circus?. "Yes" "That place with the big tent?". "Yeah" "With all the animals?". "Of Course" "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the landlord. The duck looks confused. "What would they
want with a plasterer?". Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP.......BUMP..... BUMP.......BUMP...... The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP ....BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP......BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP......BUMP...... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.BUMP. Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMPSCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP..SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP..SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMPSCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....Still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ...still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH..BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped.
What's brown and sticky? A stick *************************************************************** The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After
all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were
3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We
must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right
man for this job. Take your wife and go home." *************************************************************** Two goldfsih in a tank, one says to the other "How'd you drive this thing?
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